By Ernest Quansah
This article is about Anne, a thirty-five year woman who concluded that she could never find a man. Anne came to the conclusion that loneliness was her fate and thus she went as far as accepting it as fact. As a client who later became a friend of mine, Anne's success story is very emotional and powerful. Her case proves what we have discovered in our research. That is, it does not matter what your circumstances are, every man or woman can and is able to find a meaningful relationship or improve their love life.
Anne was a very attractive and educated woman. When she first became a client of mine, it never occurred to me the problems she carried underneath her beauty. Little did I know how much she was hurting. Throughout my counseling career, I had never come across any client like Anne prior to meeting her. When Anne's counseling began, I must admit that I honestly thought she was beyond help. Anne grew up in a family where she was led to believe that no man would ever want her. She was the best looking and educated amongst her family members. Yet, for many years she worked in the family business for minimum wage. The sad part was she was willing to work under those terms until the day she died because she had accepted that she was the black sheep of the family.
One of the ideas I suggested to Anne, to help her to stop thinking she will never find love, was to start dating. But, she was even afraid to date. When the suggestion was made, Anne declined to try saying, "But who wants me? No man will date a woman like me." I tried my very best to let Anne know that she is a very attractive woman. All she needed to do is believe there is a man out there for her. Besides her thinking that no man will ever want her, Anne had also experienced two men attempting to kidnap her. This made her even more afraid to be alone with any man. She believed that all men out there may try to kidnap and rape her, if possible.
Now you can understand why --- in the beginning --- I was concerned Anne could not be helped. She was so afraid of having to be with a man, that the thought made her cry. I personally began feeling sorry for her. As a relationship counselor, I could not understand why she was so afraid to venture outside.
I finally reached a point where the only choice I had left in the attempt to help Anne was to give her an ultimatum. I became so frustrated with her I told her, "Anne, you can do it. I am willing to help you but if you are going to come to me, make one excuse after the other, then why bother? Don't waste my time. Anne you must try. Give guys a chance to take you out at least in the daytime. If you are concerned, tell someone about your date, your date's name and phone number, where you will be going and what time you should be arriving home."
"Don't let your date pick you up from your mom's house. Meet him somewhere in the open. This way he does not know where you live and you will not have to worry about him coming to look for you." I proceeded to tell Anne that unless she was willing to try, I didn't see any reason why she should even continue coming in for counseling.
At the same time, I knew a spiritual couple who were visiting from the US. I invited Anne to have dinner with myself and the couple in the hopes that the wife could befriend Anne. Anne didn't have any friends. The only people she met were myself, my soulmate and a couple of friends I had introduced Anne to. Unfortunately none of them wanted to befriend Anne because she was so negative about everything. People simply did not want to be around her. After the dinner was over, we all began to converse.
I had tried to encourage Anne to leave home and be her own woman. For one thing she was also being physically assaulted by her brother. I witnessed Anne and her brother in a disagreement one day. When the brother was approaching Anne, Anne turned to her side, put her arms over her face saying, "Don't hit me, don't f*cking hit me." When I witnessed that, I almost wept.
As we talked after dinner, the woman began to share a story with Anne. If my memory is not failing me, the story went something like this. Mrs. Tolley told Anne:
"Anne there was once an eaglet who grew up with ducks. When the eaglet grew strong wings to fly, the mother duck told the eaglet, eagle you hatched with ducks but you are not a duck. You are an eagle. Eagles don't walk they fly. So fly away to be with
The eaglet replied, "No, I am not an eagle. I am a duck. I cannot fly."
The mother duck told the eagle, "Yes, you are an eagle. You were hatched by a duck but you are an eagle. You can fly."
The eaglet was so afraid to try it replied, "No, I cannot fly. I am a duck --- if try to fly, I will fail."
The mother duck told the eagle, "You are an eagle. You don't belong here. Fly and be with your own and you will be much happier. Try, please try. Eagles fly they don't walk. You are an eagle you can fly."
The eagle thought for a minute. It began to stretch and flap it wings. It bounced around a little
and then it flew. As it flew, it realized it could fly and began to soar in the air.
We all sat and listened to this emotional story. I know I wept and so did Anne. I cared about Anne so much. I wanted her find happiness.
Not long after and with a little encouragement and support, Anne moved out of her parents' basement. She found her own apartment and a full time job at one of our local hotels as a hotel's restaurant manager. She began to date and met a man who cared for her. Anne soared.
MY ADVICE: This is an example that there is a special someone for every one. Like many people, Anne made all sorts of excuses because of fear and denial. She only found success when she took a chance and tried. In your love life, the only way to experience true failure is if you don't try, give up or try to hide behind excuses and justifications.
The eaglet eventually flew with eagles instead of with the ducks. This means that you can find love with your appropriate mate --- not just any man or woman for the sake of having a lover. When it comes to relationship, most people don't live their potential. Instead, they settle for unhealthy and mediocre relationships. Guess what? If you choose unhealthy relationships, in the end, it will be you who pays the emotional price.
You can achieve your true potential in love if do your part, follow the right advice and accept a little personal support from others.