By Robert Elias Najemy
A divorce, separation or, in general, any loss of an important
relationship is a painful experience. . Such pain can seriously
diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however, use this
inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking
of separating, there are many lessons we need to examine before
we can come to the conclusion that we must separate from
someone. But if the other person leaves us or this separation has
already happened, we might be able to benefit from the
1. Our first lesson is to examine our behavior to see how we
might have contributed to the problem. Only in this way can we
create a new healthy relationship if we chose to.
In relation to this we might want to examine the following:
We may have been criticizing, complaining, rejecting or
otherwise causing the other to feel unaccepted.
We may have been seeking continual affirmation in ways that
may have been tiring for the other.
Our fears may have been causing us to be over sensitive and
Perhaps we were playing games of power, who is right or who is
We might have been playing roles such as the child, the
parent, the savior, the holy one, the rebel, the teacher or some
other role which may have affected the others' behavior.
We may have guilt feelings that were making us vulnerable to
the others' words or behaviors.
Perhaps we were not communicating our needs clearly and
effectively as an adult and were suppressing ourselves or
complaining, criticizing or threatening.
We might have been projecting onto the other our childhood or
The other might have been reflecting back to us our lack of
self-esteem or self-respect.
We may have attachments that were coming between us.
We may have inner conflicts, which were reflecting back to us
from the other.
2. We may need to learn to love the other in spite of his or her
behavior, regardless of whether we stay with that person or not.
3. We can discover that we can live without this person and that
happiness, security and love are internal states that are always
within us, if only we allow ourselves to experience them.
4. We can use this opportunity to develop greater inner strength
so as to feel confident and able to face whatever may come to us
in the game of life.
5. Most of us will need to change our self-image. We need now to
learn to accept, love and respect ourselves more, so that we do
not create the same problem in our next relationship or in life
6. By directing our energies in a spiritual direction and
developing a relationship with God - the Universal Being, we are
no longer so vulnerable or so dependent on others for our
feelings of security and self-worth.
Our lessons might be separated into five categories:
1. We might need to learn to communicate more effectively,
assertively and lovingly.
2. Perhaps we need to let go of some attachments, which are
increasing our conflicts with others and diminishing our
3. Examine our behaviors that might be annoying the other.
4. Free ourselves from subconscious programmings, which limit
our self-esteem and ability to attract the behaviors that we
5. Develop inner feelings of security, self worth and freedom.
Once our happiness, security and love have become internalized,
we can experience unconditional love.
Although we need to make every possible step to heal our
relationships, if and when a relationship breaks down, there is
still much we can learn.