Robert Elias Najemy
Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently,
most philosophical teachings agree that the soul is neither male
nor female. As souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to
learn through that experience. Through our experimentation with
the various qualities of each sex we are seeking to experience
our true whole self.
Until we do experience our inner fullness, we seek to find
completion externally through a love partner.
This effort towards attunement with the other sex brings
stability, joy, security and affirmation but is not without
problems and challenges. One main challenge is being able to
understand, respond to and find solutions for the need
differences when they occur. Some of these main conflicts are
differing needs for:
- Cleanliness - order
- Affection, sex
- How to use money
- How to bring up children
- Social activity
Most of these conflicts actually have to do with:
1. Freedom vs. control = power
2. Who is right = self-worth
In addition to these differing needs, men and women have
different ways of and motives for communicating. Both, of
course, use communication as a means to express needs, prove
they are right and affirm their self-worth.
Studies have shown, however, that women use communication in
order to create an emotional connection or bond. Thus the
communication itself is the purpose.
Men seem to perceive communication as a means towards some
result such as solving a problem.
Thus, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a
conversation about a subject, not because she wants a solution
but because she experiences a connection through the
communication itself. The man however, feels that communication
has only one purpose, to arrive at a conclusion or solution and
then there is no more need to communicate. Thus the universal
problem that women feel men are aloof and men that women are
MEN DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS
If they are talking about the woman's emotions, then they are
likely to feel that they are to blame and are being criticized
since the woman is not happy. If a woman expresses an emotion,
she usually wants recognition of that fact that she feels that
way. The man usually does not realize this and seeks in the
least possible words to convince her that there is no reason for
her to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then looses her
vehicle of connecting.
If she wants to talk about his emotions, it is even worse. First
of all he seldom knows what his emotions are. He has been
trained a whole lifetime to suppress, hide or shut off what he
is feeling. Secondly, even is he has some awareness of what he
feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit that he
feels self-doubt or fear. Men in general do not like to admit
their fears or weaknesses.
All of the above are of course generalizations, and there will
We have here a serious problem in communication in which each
sex will need to understand the other.
WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER
Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not
communicate their feelings and thoughts, it is often simply
because they function differently and not because they do not
love their love partner. They experience unity, not so much
through words but rather through action, such as working to make
money and take care of the family.
Men on the other hand need to understand that women need to
generate feelings of unity and love through verbal
communication. Men need to acknowledge women's feelings rather
than find reasons why they shouldn't have them.