1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
5) ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
7) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have
diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.
21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the WonderBra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
23) When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
25) See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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