by Sopan Greene, M.A.
Sex sells. Nothing new there right? But have you noticed the sex
Why are so many men, and quite a few women, self proclaimed fanatics
about sports? Why are some men more dedicated to a sports team
whose members change radically from season to season than they are to
the women they date or marry?...It's the sex my friend.
I wonder about such things. I'm a natural born wonderer who has never
been attracted to sports. When I'm asked what my favorite sport is the
answer has always been "reading." Though it's not actually a sport,
it's what I spend every free minute I have doing. So in my own warped
world it's the only answer to that question for me.
This has made me ultra curious about why almost every man I meet is
obsessed with at least one sport. Men talk about ESPN's "Sports Zone"
as if it were the daily televised version of the Bible. Therefore,
I have always wondered, "What's up with that?"
The answer has finally revealed itself to me. As with most obsessions
in our culture today, the answer is sex.
What is it that people feel a rush of conquering something when they
penetrate hoops, nets, end zones and small holes in the ground? Why
do fans get excited when "their" team scores and upset when a different
team scores? Why are fans possessive about their teams and obsessive about
their team's "performance?"
First of all notice that the winners of every sport are the ones who
are the most virile. The ones who express the most strength in order
to "score" the most points( or digits - just like being able to
capture a girls number in order to "score"). Second of all the most
popular sports all involve balls and quite often the ball is hit by
a phallic shaped bat, club or stick. Finally, the object of the
sport is generally to use force to penetrate the ball into or through
a net, hoop, end zone or cup.
After noticing these three aspects of sportsmanship is it any wonder
that men race to the finish line when having sex? The first one
to finish in sports is the winner. Women don't usually agree that
the first one to finish in sex is the winner though, do they? As men
we are still doing our best to learn this, but biology is against us.
By looking at how the "games" are played and what excites sports fans
we can see the sex in sports.
Here's the evidence:
Golf - The person who can hit the ball into the cup with the least
amount of "strokes" is the winner. This is the closest sport to
making love instead of sex because it takes time, skill and precision.
Besides being able to hit the ball the farthest, what counts the most
is actually hit the ball fewer times than the other guy.
Basketball - Winning requires strength, sweat, running the fastest
and pushing the ball through the hoop the most times. The crowd
favorite is slam dunking which is the equivalent of "Wham, bam, thank
you ma'am." There's plenty of skin on skin contact also.
Football - Points are scored when one man throws the ball through the
end zone and another receives it. The score can also grow larger by
penetrating the end zone by running or rushing the ball in. Another
way to score is to kick the ball through the field goal posts which
have an opening between them. Then there's the occasional dog pile and
lots of running, chasing, pushing and tackling. Oh yeah, don't forget
This sport is similar to how most people learn to have sex. In the
early part of the game there are short bursts of action, lots of
timeouts and it takes the guys awhile to figure out the best way to
make it down the field to score.
Baseball - The object is use a bat to hit a ball as hard and far as
possible. Who grew up not talking to their friends about only
getting to second base when they really wanted to hit a home run
so they could score? 'Nuff said.
Hockey - Guys with big sticks hit a puck as hard as possible to nail
it into the net. The crowd favorite is the slap shot. This is the
sport closest to rough sex. It's all about speed and penetration.
And you know everyone who's playing is gonna get hurt at least a little
and someone's gonna start a fight.
Gymnastics - Simply watch a balance beam routine and see what thoughts
arise. Then you can move onto the trampoline, floor routines, tumbling
and finish with what goes on between the parallel bars. Imagine what
an amazing night it would be at your house if you made it through all
those routines with the object of your affection!
Wrestling - Don't even get me started.
Are you getting the picture? Sports are filled with underlying sexual
tension and sexual expression. Do you understand why some men are more
focused on the game on TV than the games in his bedroom? Sports are
a subconscious sexual outlet.
Ladies, if you're having trouble getting your man aroused, simply
suit up, get out on the field and let the games begin! (Unplugging
the TV might not hurt either).