Relationship Issues: She is Ashamed of Him
By Robert Elias Najemy

Diana often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

Programmed by an aristocratic family, she has learned to give much importance to etiquette and one’s mental "sharpness and refinement." She has a university degree. Her husband Andreas does not. She has money. Andreas did not. She likes to read. Andreas does not. She is proud of her intellectual abilities. She admires people with a sharp and fast thinking minds. For her, intelligence and sharp thinking are what make a person worth respect and admiration.

Andreas is a good-hearted, simple person who enjoys the simple things in life. He works with his hands all day and that allows his mind to rest. He likes to have a beer with his friends and play with his children. He enjoys watching a good movie on TV, spending a weekend in nature, swimming in the sea, playing racket ball. He cares for his wife and children, and within the limits of his humble means, is a good provider.

Recently, however, he has felt a great deal of pain as he has come to realize that Diana does not admire him, and that there are times when she wishes he were different. He feels mistreated. When he feels his self-worth is being doubted, he can become an angry "intimidator." He thinks, "She gives attention only to those who have a university degree or a quick tongue. She doesn't care if the person is ethical or kind or loves his children. She does not care if he can create with his hands or cares for her feelings."

Andreas has been pulling away from Diana as he feels ever more rejected by her. Her desire to be in the company of people who stimulate her intellectually has become ever more evident.

Diana has met a man who she admires, starts having coffee with him and talking for hours. This is very stimulating for her. Their mutual admiration gradually leads to physical contact. She is now a divided woman. She loves her husband, but until now never felt the attraction she feels for this other man.

Andreas has started to sense what is going on and feels increasingly angry. His feelings of self-worth are being ground to nothing. He is very vulnerable and needing of love, affection, and most of all, someone to respect and admire him.

It is in this condition that he meets another woman who respects and admires him for his simplicity and creative abilities. Now, he, too, is suffering from a difficult inner conflict. This is not his style. He does not want to cheat on his wife, but his need for affection and affirmation are too great.

Both are cheating and both are miserable. Neither wants to cheat and neither wants to separate, but both are being controlled by needs greater than their wishes. They both seek affirmation of their self-worth. Diana, through a relationship with a man who appreciates her intellectually and whom she can admire intellectually, feels as if she is worth more because she is with someone worthy of admiration. Andreas feels greater self-worth by being admired by a woman who respects him.

What can they do?

What lessons do they need to learn in order to find their love for each other again?

Diana:

Does she need to realize that a person’s self worth is not measured solely by his intellectual ability?

Does she need to learn to admire other aspects of human nature, such as ethics, love, creativity, good heartedness, etc.?

Is her lesson to free herself from the programmings of her aristocratic upbringing?

Should she leave Andreas for this man she admires more? Will she be happy with the other man?

Will he treat her as well as Andreas did?

Does she need to learn to express her love to Andreas?

Is her lesson that her self-worth is not related to the people with whom she keeps company or to what others think of her?

Does she need to realize how her programmings are affecting Andreas?

Andreas:

Does he need to learn that his self-worth is not in anyway measured by what others think about him?

That the solution to his crisis of self-worth is not another woman?

Or since Diana does not respect him, should he leave her? Is his lesson to forgive her and help her?

Does he need to respect himself more so as to attract Diana’s respect?

Is she perhaps reflecting his own feelings of inferiority about not having attended university?

Does he, too, share her beliefs about who is worthy and who is not, something Diana is reflecting back to him?

Does he need to accept and love himself as he is?

Perhaps both of them have to learn the following:

1. To love and accept themselves and the other exactly as they are.

2. That their self-worth is divine and cannot change or be dependent upon external factors.

3. That they are all equally children of God containing the same spiritual value.

4. That the inner consciousness of every being they meet, including themselves, is divine.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"  by Robert Elias Najemy

Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, has created a L i f e C o a c h T r a i n i n g Course over the Internet. Info at: http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/introholisticcoach.asp He is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticonlin-20